The sufficiency of grace

An out of the blue comment spurred me to look back at what I've written here. It's been a long time since my last post. That's not because the quest for the kingdom has been abandoned. It is just an increasing realisation that so much of the journey is intensely personal. My energies have been directed more toward private journal than public blog. So what has changed? In many ways not a great deal. I'm still in the same job. My mother still has Alzheimer's - she is now transitioning into full term care. I'm still searching for vision. I'm still shouting at God. He's still being gracious enough to whisper back occasionally. Health, stress and circumstances I don't like (but can't change) still cause me more worry than I believe that they should.

Some things, however, have changed. Just slightly. Perhaps even I've changed a bit. It feels like I've learned lots. My language has changed. It's almost as if I've run out of words. I no longer know what to say to God. That does not stop me going into his presence. If anything it spurs me to spend more time there. I cannot quite unpick whether this lack stems from the noise of the city and the cares of the world pushing them out - or a realisation that so many of my words of old were a futile attempt to control God rather than let him control me. Now when I find my prayers relating to my perception of my needs and the request for my solutions I feel this little voice in the back of my head saying "Do you trust me, Ian?" to which I can but reply "Yes Lord, I trust you. (Or at least I'd like to)". The other phrase which is resounding in my mind is that wonderful promise from 2 Corinthians. "My grace is sufficient for you." The only reply I can frame to that runs roughly thus: "Yes, Lord, but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it."

Confidence and vision

"May God our Father himself and our Master Jesus clear the road to you! And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you. May you be infused with strength and purity, filled with confidence in the presence of God our Father when our Master Jesus arrives with all his followers." 1 Thess 3: 11-13 (The Message)

I love the little prayers that Paul peppers into his letters. Particularly the way that they come alive in Eugene Peterson's Message translation. I look at that prayer and say, yes, I want that. A clear road would be nice. A vision for the future and a path to follow toward it. Love that is so overwhelming it showers out to others. A robust hope in God, and a real knowledge of his presence.

It seems like an appropriate note on which to start a New Year, after a wonderful break from which I did not wish to return and a touch of the post-holiday blues.

Blurred vision

Last weekend I was home again. My mother was much the same. She has little panic cycles in which she repeats a set of questions several times. No matter how many times you answer them and comfort her, she returns to them. It's really hard to know whether she understands the comfort that is offered. Sometimes I wonder if she really even understands the questions.

It made me think once more about how I relate to God. There are a number of questions that I am forever asking him. Am I missing his answers, and failing to understand completely the hints and directions I do receive?

This week my exploration of Henri Nouwen's writing unearthed the following

The main questions of religion - Who am I? Where have I come from? Where am I going? - are not questions with an answer but questions that open to us new questions which lead us deeper into the unspeakable mystery of existence.

And also this one

Theological formation is the gradual and often painful discovery of God's incomprehensibility.

Which square very well with my experience, if perhaps not being wonderfully encouraging!

Baby steps

"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it." Romans 12: 2a (The Message)

The search for vision continues. Although I confess I have not been good at asking God about it. A few days ago, however, I decided to revisit Romans 12. Over the last couple of years I have used this passage as sort of creed. The basis of a code by which to try and live. But it is hard, not least when you don't entirely understand it.

Take the verse above. The question which immediately springs into my mind is how do I recognise what it is that God wants? Surely if it were that easy everyone would be doing it already? It's like saying to a blind man "shout out every time I show you a different colour" or to a deaf man "tap your foot to the beat of this drum".

And then it hit me. Maybe it really is that easy. Perhaps the reason I don't recognise what God wants is because I'm always looking for big things. Some huge voice to tell me to go on a quest of great importance. Perhaps, however, the voice is not huge - but just the gentle prompting of scripture. And perhaps the quest is seemingly minor. Fix your attention on me. Spend a few more minutes a day with me. Get to know me better.

A friend of mine came round this evening and brought the story of David Wilkerson to my attention. He is well known for his outreach to the gangs of New York. Yet, according to my friend - the beginning of his call was being told to sell his TV. If he had never got past that, he may never have gone on to achieve what he did.

Perhaps the reason I see no big vision is because I am too ready to compromise the apparently smaller one which sits in front of it...

Be thou my vision

"My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving." Col 2: 6-7 (The Message)

A few days ago I came again to the critical realisation that I have no longer have any vision for my current job. It is not an entirely new thought, but it is one that I have either pushed away or forgotten on previous occurrences. The problem with this is that, as a leader, vision is a crucial part of of what I should provided for my team. Ps 29: 18 says "Where there is no vision the people perish". I don't think my team is exactly perishing, but there is a lack of focus, a lack of urgency and a general feeling of floundering.

Bill Hybels has this to say in his book Courageous Leadership:

Vision is at the very core of leadership. Take vision away from a leader and you cut out his or her heart. Vision is the fuel that leaders run on. It is the energy that creates action. It is the fire that ignites the passion of followers.

So what am I going to do about it? This is slightly more tricky! I decided last week that at the very least I should pray for vision, which I have started to do.

This morning my bible readings brought me to the passage in Colossians, quoted above. Whilst not entirely helpful it gives me pause to think. Maybe living out my faith should be my vision - and if that is not the focus of my job, then maybe I'm no longer in the right one...